Coffee Talk - a blog by Amber herself.

Those marketeers got their wish. We have an internet www site thing. It can be their Christmas present.

This is a nice time of year, isn't it? This is coffee season. Spring, summer, autumn, and coffee. There are so many things that go with coffee like egg nog, cookies, a snowy morning, and on and on. Black coffee and a grey sky. Monochromatic heaven. The one thing I don't think goes with coffee is a computer.

I still wish we had used the extronet.

Thanksgiving is here so I thought I'd share my favorite recipe.

Coffee Roasted Turkey

Take a turkey. Thaw it if it's frozen. Grind 8 oz. of coffee beans and rub them all over the turkey. (By the way, this is also a nice activity for a first date, only I don't mean the turkey). Stuff the turkey with as many whole beans as you can fit. Put the turkey on a roasting rack, and place the turkey and rack in a large roaster. Add one gallon of water to the roasting pan, being careful not to wash any of the coffee off of the bird. Bake at 350 degrees for four hours or until the water has turned very dark. Throw away the turkey and enjoy a piping hot cup of turkey-flavored coffee. The best part of this recipe is that you will buy about ten pounds of coffee from me.

My marketing people kept telling me that we needed a website if we were ever going to make any money. So I fired them all. I think the internet is stupid. Or, it might be a government conspiracy. Most likely, it's a stupidity conspiracy.

I hired a whole new bunch of marketing people, and the first thing they started talking about was building a website. So I fired all of them and hired back the first team. I figured if I was going to spend a fortune on a website, maybe it could be a smaller fortune if it's run by people who already know me and my company.

As it turns out, the website isn't going to cost a fortune. They say they'll be done in about two months. How about that? The part I really like is that they are going to publish my journal. I can't wait to become a published writer. Maybe I can be a guest on the Tonight Show with David Letterman.

Anyway, I still don't get how we're going to squeeze beans through those skinny little wires.

You've gotten to know me a bit. Still, it may surprise you to learn that I haven't thought some things through. While I still want you to buy more and more of my coffee, apparently I need to smooth-talk and cajole you into buying. Stuff like, "Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One day, Red went to buy some coffee ..."

Whatever! Just buy the coffee already. Our warehouse has been sitting full of beans for almost two years now. With the same beans. I'm sure they're fine right now, but I don't really know how long they'll keep.

I miss my dad. He loved coffee. This whole thing is for him and his love of coffee. Here's to you, dad. I hope wherever you are, someone is making you a hot, steaming cup of poo right now. I really mean that.

They tell me that I am writing in my journal each month because it will help sales. Man! I wish they had told me that a long time ago.

I'll try to keep this to the point from now on.

Buy more coffee. Drink more coffee. Buy coffee and then drink it. And then buy more. Buy coffee from us. Do it now. Do it later. Do it now and later. Make a big pot of coffee and drink it while you are buying coffee from us.

That should shut them up.

I know. I didn't write anything last month. I hate May. It's too wishy-washy. I'm a take-the-bull-by-the-horns-or-something-else-depending-on-which-end-you're-facing kind of person. May offends. I'll vote for any candidate that passes legislation to change the name of "May" to "Can" or "Without a Doubt" or "Indubitably."

So I haven't written you since April, and now it's hot. So I thought I'd remind you that coffee just like revenge ... best served cold.

I work and work and work. Most of the time, I'm not sure what I'm working on, but I'm still here. For what? So once a year Uncle Sam can pick my pocket? I'm not going to pay any more taxes until this Sam guy can prove he drinks my coffee.

[wait a second]

My accounting people just told me that I didn't have to pay any taxes. How about that. It had something to do with not selling anything, or something. Whatever. Take that Sam whoever. I win.

All the talk about drinking green beer made me think, "How about green coffee?" My company sells coffee, but I guess you already knew that. We don't have a holiday dedicated to causing a brief spike in our sales like St. Paddy's Day does for beer sales or Christmas does for ladder sales or Memorial Day does for burn salve sales. So I tried green coffee. It just looks black.

I hear they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday." That could work.

I have marketing people. I'm not sure why. I am perfectly capable of going to the market by myself. But they are here, so I'll make them feel welcome.

The marketing people think that I should write in my journal once a month. "And no more!" came shouts from the back of the group, for reasons I can't imagine. They say they are planning to turn my journal into a "blog" which makes me question their intelligence. I looked it up. No such word as blog exists. I looked it up in the dictionary my dad gave me on my first day of school in the first grade. He told me, "This book knows more than any of your teachers ever will." The marketing people snicker at me when I tell them there is no such word as "blog," but I know my dad was smarter than any three of them combined.

I may have rambled a bit there. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Go have some coffee.

Coffee makes people funnier. That's one reason I drink soooo much coffee. I like to laugh. I find that after four or five pots of coffee, I can't stop laughing. It feels good.

Some people drink decaf. That's like putting hate mail in the collection basket at a non-denominational church. It makes no sense. Listen to me sleepy people: you are missing the point.

That just made me laugh.