Coffee Talk - a blog by Amber herself.

You’ve probably heard of the latest fad item on the market. That annoying geek from our dumb--IT department gave me one. He called it Ipad. He took away my perfectly good PC and handed me this digital picture frame thing and said it would make me look current.

Aggggghhhhhhhh!

Why can’t they leave me alone to do my work? I put that stupid thing on my desk, and it hasn’t done one blasted thing. They didn’t even give me the keyboard, so I sent my assistant out to buy me a keyboard so I could get some work done, but you know what? She spent a full week out of the office, pounding the streets looking, but couldn’t find one anywhere. (I know she was pounding the streets because when she came back, she was so tan.) How is this progress? The stupid thing won’t even stand up unless you tape it to a book or something.

I spent the last month sitting in my office, staring at Ipad, and getting absolutely no work done. Solitary confinement couldn’t be more boring than Ipad. I just overheard a conversation in the ladies’ powder room. Apparently we just had the biggest month for sales in company history, while hitting an all-time low for customer complaints. What a time to be disconnected from all company operations!

My company needs me! Last night I waited for everyone to leave (let me add that’s not too difficult since everyone clears out by like 6:00 or 7:00 - where do they all have to go in such a rush?), and then I took the PC from the desk of that dumb--IT pinhead’s desk. I gave Ipad to the goofy looking neighbor kid - I suggested that if he could figure out how to throw it like a Frisbee, he could play catch with his dog.

Anyway, I’m back.

Oh yeah, drink more coffee.

I earned it. I should choose how to spend it. Taxes make me madder than a lab assistant who incubates an agar culture on the floor of a Petri plate instead of the ceiling. Oh, don't try logic on me. I've heard all the arguments. "Taxes paid for the street in front of your house." Piffle! I drive a 1966 Land Rover with a snorkel kit and lifters that give me a 31" ground clearance. I wouldn't want tax dollars to repair my street if it were hit with an earthquake. I'll get through. Besides, I don't think I've been to my house for a couple months.

Taking money from the general public just as we're pulling out of a depression or a recession or a whatever seems like bad timing. It feels like the Great Repression.

Whatever you want to call it, it's over, and it's time to start living your life again. I think there is no better reminder that things are looking up than grinding your own beans for your breakfast cup of coffee (or mid-morning, lunch, early afternoon, late afternoon, pre-dinner, dinner, dessert, or nightcap, for that matter).

People ask me (like, all the time) if I think I'm addicted to coffee. That's as dumb as expecting a football player to understand the difference between encroachment and penetration. How did words that big get used in football? They should simply say, “Number 7! Bad! Bad number 7!” and then whack them with a rolled newspaper. Anyway, addiction is such a negative word. I think of it as dependence. Like a good friend I can depend on.

I love the Irish as much as anyone. Mr. Spock is still the greatest leprechaun of all time. Oh, Star Trek! When I start talking about Star Trek, my acquaintances always head for the restroom or go to get a drink or to catch up on their emails or take out the trash or make sure there is no ice on their windshield because they know they want to give their full attention to my Star Trek stories. I have asked my lawyers to file a lawsuit against Priceline for making a mockery of Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise. You should stand and salute when you hear his name.

Anyway, March is Irish month, and I think we should all drink coffee instead of green beer.

Every month of the year has a holiday except August. New Year's Day, Valentine’s Day (whatever - see my bloggy posty thingy from last month), St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Flag Day (I love flags! If those moonbats in marketing don’t run a Flag Day promotion this year, I’ll fire them again [see Oct 15, 2009].), 4th of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It’s ironic that August is the only boring month; I was born in August.

Back to the Irish - what’s not to love? They invented their own version of whiskey, and what did they do with it? They put it in coffee! Perfection!

P.S. My web guy showed me how to do this linky thingy. Thanks! You're number one!

I walked into a big box store yesterday, and everywhere I looked I saw red. It was disorienting. I tend to react on instinct when disoriented. I hit the trigger on my stun gun twice before I realized that the ribs I had jammed it into belonged to a 90-year-old door greeter, not someone trying to jump me. I don't think he knew he could tap dance. I guess I should have yelled, "Clear!"

After the guy woke up and the store manager decided not to press charges and the police left, I was left standing there seeing red. I don't get Valentine's Day. Why are men expected to say, "I love you" with a butt-shaped box full of empty calories. Maybe they should say, "I love you - now let's pile on some pounds."

Coffee makes a much better Valentine's gift. I know I would prefer it over chocolate, if anyone ever decided to give me a Valentine present. Only, don't buy it from me. Those doofuses in my warehouse will never get it to you in time.

I'll admit it - I'm more fun to be around than the fun I have being around others. It's a blessing and a curse. Sitting around with other people watching a fire crackle in the fireplace as a light snow dusts the trees justs makes me wish I was back in my lab.

My sister, Coral, came to visit with her husband. They brought their cat and their kids with them, which seems odd to me. Why do they always have to be together like a pack of dogs? She gave me Winnie the Pooh pajamas. I tried them on, and she shrieked, "Look! There's Pooh on your pants!" Everyone laughed. Of course I had Pooh on my pants. Right there next to Piglet and Tigger. He was all over them. I'm pretty sure that he was on them in the store when she bought them, but she didn't seem to notice until after I put them on. She's getting older - I think she needs glasses. I explained that I thought that it was probably the intent of the manufacturer to put Pooh all over my pants - that it was no accident. She laughed until coffee came out of her nose. I'm still not sure what she found so funny, but based on the way I make coffee, her sinuses may never be the same.

So, I'm glad to be back at it. The start of the year is invigorating, isn't it? A new beginning - a fresh start. The past has passed. Everything is looking up. Go pour yourself another cup of coffee and make something happen!